Publications
By D’Veal Communications Team
What to do if you learn your child has been bullying someone else, and why this hard moment can be a turning point.
Greg was in a work meeting when his phone buzzed with the school’s number. He stepped into the hallway, expecting a fever or a forgotten lunch.
It was the assistant principal. “I’m calling about Eli,” she said. “We’ve had several reports that he’s been targeting another student. Name-calling in the locker room, and some messages online. I’d like to set up a meeting.”
Greg’s first thought was: That’s not my kid. Eli was 13. He was funny and a little goofy, and he still hugged his grandma goodbye. Greg’s second thought, which came a few seconds later and felt much worse, was: What if it is?
If you’ve gotten a call like this, or you’re worried you might, this post is for you. Learning that your child has hurt someone is painful and confusing. It can also be one of the most important parenting moments you’ll ever have.
(Greg and Eli’s story is a composite, drawn from experiences many families share. Names and details are not from any one real family.)
Your First Reaction Is Normal. Your Next Step Matters
More.
Most parents in Greg’s shoes feel a rush of emotions at once: shock, embarrassment, anger, fear. Some want to defend their child right away. Others want to come down hard the moment the kid walks in the door.
Both reactions make sense. Neither one helps much at first.
Greg took a breath and said what he later called the best thing he did that day: “Thank you for telling me. I want to understand what happened. When can we meet?”
He didn’t argue, and he didn’t promise a punishment on the spot. He listened. That gave him something he needed before talking to Eli: the facts.
When you get a call like this, try to:
- Listen to the school before you respond. Ask what was reported, how often, and what the school has seen.
- Ask for specifics. Dates, examples, and any messages or screenshots help you understand the full picture.
- Hold off on a verdict. You can take it seriously without deciding everything in the first five minutes.
- Keep the other child in mind. Somewhere, another family is hurting too.
Why Kids Bully
It’s tempting to think kids who bully are just “mean kids.” The truth is usually more complicated.
Some kids who bully are popular and like being in charge. They may use put-downs to stay on top. Others are struggling. They may be anxious or depressed, dealing with stress at home, or easily pulled along by friends. Some have been bullied themselves and are passing the hurt along.
None of that excuses the behavior. But understanding the “why” is what helps it stop.
The CDC notes that young people who bully others face a higher risk of problems later on, like substance use, trouble in school, and violence as they get older. That’s why stepping in now matters so much. You’re not just protecting another child. You’re protecting your own.
The Conversation With Eli
After the school meeting, Greg waited until after dinner. He asked Eli to take a walk with him around the block.
“I talked with your school today,” he said. “I want to hear your side. I’m not going to yell. But I do need you to be honest.”
At first, Eli said what most kids say. “It was a joke. Everybody does it. He’s annoying.”
Greg didn’t argue. He asked, “How do you think it felt for him, reading those messages?”
Eli was quiet for half a block. Then he said, “Probably bad.”
It took a few more walks, but the rest came out. Since his parents’ divorce in the spring, Eli had been angry a lot, and he didn’t know where to put it. His new friend group at school traded insults all day. Picking on one kid made Eli feel like he belonged. And the boy he targeted had once laughed at him in PE. In Eli’s mind, that made it even.
Here’s what helped Greg keep the conversation going:
- Stay calm and curious. Ask open questions: “What happened?” “What was going on for you?”
- Build empathy. Ask how the other child might have felt. Kids often haven’t stopped to think about it.
- Name the behavior, not the child. “What you did was hurtful” lands better than “You’re a bully.”
- Make the expectation clear. “This stops now. I know you can do better, and I’m going to help.”
Consequences That Teach
Greg’s instinct was to take Eli’s phone for the rest of the year. Instead, he and the school worked out a plan that matched what happened:
- A clear, related consequence. Eli lost access to the group chat and social apps for a set amount of time, since that’s where much of the bullying happened.
- A way to make it right. With the counselor’s help, Eli wrote an apology. The school decided how and whether to share it, based on what the other student wanted.
- More supervision, not less connection. Greg checked in daily about school and friends. He also made a point of spending one-on-one time with Eli each week.
- Help with the feelings underneath. Greg reached out for counseling so Eli could work through the anger he’d been carrying since the divorce.
The goal isn’t to make a child feel like a bad person. It’s to help them understand the harm, take responsibility, and learn better ways to handle big feelings.
When It’s Time for More Support
Sometimes a firm talk and a few changes are enough. Sometimes they aren’t. Consider reaching out for professional help if your child:
- Keeps bullying after clear consequences
- Gets into frequent fights or seems angry much of the time
- Is dealing with a big change, like a divorce, a move, or a loss
- Has been bullied themselves
- Seems anxious, down, or not like themselves
Asking for help isn’t a sign you’ve failed as a parent. It’s a sign you’re taking your child’s future seriously.
A few months later, Greg got another call from the school. This time it was a teacher. She wanted to tell him Eli had stepped in when a younger student was being teased in the hallway. Greg sat in his car for a minute before driving home.
“A child who has bullied others is not a lost cause. With the right support, this can be the moment they learn empathy that lasts.”
D’Veal Family and Youth Services provides individual and family counseling, crisis intervention and prevention, and school-based mental health services for children and youth ages 0 to 20. We meet families in homes, schools, and community settings across the San Gabriel Valley. We help kids understand what’s driving their behavior and learn better ways to handle anger and stress. We also help parents feel steady through the whole process.
“Worried about your child’s behavior toward others? D’Veal Family and Youth Services is here to help. Call (626) 296-8900 or visit dveal.org.”
Want to help more San Gabriel Valley kids feel safe and supported? Visit the donate section at dveal.org to give.
Frequently Asked Questions
What should I do if the school says my child is bullying someone?
Stay calm and listen first. Ask the school for specifics like dates, examples, and any messages. Then talk with your child openly and work with the school on a plan that includes clear consequences and a way to make things right.
Why would my child bully other kids?
There's rarely one reason. Some kids bully to gain status or feel in control. Others are dealing with stress, anger, anxiety, or changes at home, or have been bullied themselves. Understanding the reason doesn't excuse the behavior, but it helps you stop it.
What consequences work best for a child who bullies?
Consequences work best when they connect to what happened. For example, losing access to an app where online bullying took place. Pair consequences with a way to repair the harm and with closer support at home, not just punishment.
When should a child who bullies see a counselor?
Consider counseling if the bullying continues after consequences, if your child seems angry or down much of the time, or if they're going through a big change like a divorce or move. Counseling helps kids understand their feelings and learn healthier ways to cope. D'Veal can be reached at (626) 296-8900.
